Manipulation: The Sophisticated Domestic Violence

Manipulation, as per oxford it’s “ behaviour that controls or influences somebody/something, often in a dishonest way so that they do not realize it”. Manipulation was/will be a great tool for social networking, marketing, sales etc. It’s a great tool to influence, to be a good speaker, to be a good leader.

But every tool/weapon have been misused since ancient time. So , same happened with Manipulation. A tool whose purpose was prosperity, growth, is desperately used by elite class to control, especially the women.

Gurugram based Marketing Manager Ridhi explained , “ I worked with girls, who lost their identity , will power & charm, only because their self-belief was crushed by families(both side). In most metro cities, manipulation is the biggest tool now a days. Educated people fight with mind, not with arms. So , the way of domestic violence has also changed. The game of control is still on, but in a very different way. Causing more damage, with less evidence.”

Noida based IT engineer Ashmita (38) narrate her story “, I am married since 15 years. Though signs were visible from beginning, but still I lied to my family and friends, saying that everything is fine, I am blessed etc. I had completely cut off my personal life, and all my celebrations, festivals were around him or his family. But he remained indifferent , take off on parties with his friends, his business colleagues, leaving me alone in a new city or with his family members, while I was not allowed for this. Even he was not there while I was pregnant (twice), due to office priorities. The time was nightmare for me. And I am not even allowed to talk about it, because, that was my responsibility“

Ashmita says that her husband never hit her, but he occasionally talks down to her in front of his family and friends, which has affected her self-esteem. Even he used to talk about her to her family members behind her back( always as a troublemaker).

It took Ashmita twelve years to realize this pattern of complete apathy from her husband, and that’s when she decided to take charge. She opened up to her parents and friends and even took up a job(which she left due to “family responsibilities” ), which has helped her preserve her sanity, even though she continues to live with her spouse.

Experts explain “ Emotional manipulation is psychological coercion into doing something which you probably don’t want to do. This is done mostly in a subtle, discreet, indirect, and deceptive manner. This leads to constant emotional turmoil and amounts to emotional abuse. Manipulator can bring any number of characters to achieve control in life. The objective of manipulator is simple, to control. “

As per studies, we can’t correct manipulators easily, until/unless , they realized themselves.

But if you can’t avoid them, you can listen their opinion and ignore. But most important , you need to stop feeling guilty. Guilt is a powerful emotion and humans are conditioned to do whatever it takes to reduce the guilt. And Manipulator take most advantage of this tool. They use guilt against you. Labelling bad wife/mother/sister/friend are basic foundation for guilt. You can identify it easily.

Take responsibility of yourself. I know, it’s very tough to realize your self worth after years of manipulation. But this is the first step. Any day, any time, you are the best human being and has capacity to do anything. Solo travel, solo shopping, work late night, single mother anything. So, don't let the world think that you are weak.

Manipulators are good in provoking, which can lead to an argument, and that can be used in their favors because they fight dirty and with a motive. You will not realize.

People who are being manipulated , may begin to change their own behavior due to fear of angering their partners. They may feel guilty, hopeless, helpless, manipulated and controlled. This situation, over time, can result in negative effects on physical and mental health.

In short, the very first step towards solving this problem is to recognize the behaviour. So, first, it’s not your fault. Second, recognize your self worth. Work on yourself ( your hobby, career, interest, etc). Always, give priority to yourself. If society want to label you selfish, let them. If you will be happy, your children, your family will be happy. So, focus on your happiness and work for it.

Manipulators will never recognize your merits, and never promote them. Especially, in front of your friends & family. So, take control of your life.

It is important to learn to recognize the manipulation early, as it is often hard to spot before it escalates to other forms of violence. There is small checklist, if any of these are true, you need to review the situation.

• Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?
• Does your partner isolate you from friends and family?
• Does your partner limit your access to money
• Does your relationship swing between extreme emotional distance and closeness?
• Do you feel trapped in the relationship? Are you scared of your partner?
• Are you in guilt or ashamed for most of time?
• Are you not allowed to travel solo/with your friends/ with your family ?

Take care of yourself, set boundaries, don’t over-react, don’t blame yourself and accept that you can’t change them. Most important, don’t hesitate to ask for help. Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what you are going through. You are awesome, a manipulator can’t judge you.

Keep Shining!!!