Emotional Abuse: The Unrecognized Form Of Domestic Violence

Emotional abuse is a form of abuse, where the abuser pushes the victim to a stage where it could lead to poor self-esteem and psychological trauma, including anxiety or depression. Though both men and women can be the victims of emotional abuse, but due to financial dependency and patriarchal customs in India, it is mostly women who are the victim to all the kinds of abuse, including emotional abuse.

Kalpana’s(name changed) husband never hit her, never pushed her down or pulled her hair. He never assaulted her sexually. But still, from the last seven years , she is living in a constant state of fear. Humiliation , lack or respect, accusing all these are part of her life now.

I still remember one of the conversation with my friend.

One of my friend, who has “always right” attitude, turned her extra-ordinary wife into low self esteem.

My friend: “ She(his wife) is not proactive, her decision making power are very poor, she always find excuse in everything”. His wife is mutual friend, I knew her from years, I always find her extra-ordinary at work, even in education, she was an out-performer. But after marriage , she was losing her self esteem, she always said: “ I think , there is some issue with me only, I am ruining all this”.

Did you understand, how continuous emotional abuse turn an out-performer into a person with guilt and low self esteem.

I was discussing about Emotional abuse to one of my friend, who just got divorced after 11 years of marriage. The main reason was Emotional abuse only. She is a professor in Engineering college, her husband is Marketing head in an MNC of Noida. When I asked her, how did you trust him for 11 years? How could you be so vulnerable to him?

She said: “ You know, that’s the main trick here, you don’t feel that your brain, pride is being punched. This is very simple yet complex cycle. Tension building can be due to any reason, like office, family , friend etc., but then spouse will be abused, followed by a guilt or excuse, then there will be a normal behaviour for some time, then build-up for another abuse.” She described this overall process with below chart.

Cycle of emotional abuse

She further explained:” I interacted with many women after divorce, I saw my reality reflected in other women who emerged from the depth of such darkness. Another big problem is that emotional abuse is hard to define, hard to file case due to it’s ambiguity.”

Kalpana explained: “ My in-laws family asked my family to teach me a lesson , and stop talking to me. So that I can feel lonely and can get lesson”. This is just another part of emotional abuse, Isolation.

When I asked her husband about this incident, he said, this is the right way to teach her a lesson. Lesson, seriously? Lesson for what? For being a woman ?

So, the question is “ if it’s so complex, how someone can identify emotional abuse?”. You can identify emotional abuser among your friend and family:

• Humiliate and constantly demean their partner socially.
• Use sarcasm or teasing to undermine their partner’s feelings.
• Accuse others of being ‘too sensitive’ when called out on their hurtful behaviour.
• Behave like they are always right, and others are wrong.
• Make excuses for their behaviour, try to blame others, and have difficulty in apologizing.
• Apologize and promise to change to gain the partner’s trust and then revert to abusive behaviour.

But still, sometimes, it’s not easy to find out, if you are in an abusive relationship or not. If you are not sure, & not fully happy in your life, you should keep asking few questions to yourself.

• Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?
• Does your partner isolate you from friends and family?
• Does your partner limit your access to money?
• Does your relationship swing between extreme emotional distance and closeness?
• Do you feel trapped in the relationship? Are you scared of your partner?
• Are you in guilt or ashamed for most of time?

If any of these answer is “yes”, then you need to review your relationship. Take care of yourself, set boundaries, don’t over-react, don’t blame yourself and accept that you can’t change them. Most important, don’t hesitate to ask for help. Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what you are going through.

Indian Laws:

• IPC Section 509 : Word, gesture or act intended to insult the modesty of a lady.
• IPC Section 294: Fine or imprisonment for obscene acts or words uttered in any public place.
• IPC Section 498A: Deals with matrimonial Cruelty in India and is recognized as a cognizable, non-bailable and non-compoundable offence.
• IPC Section 66: Punishment for sending offensive messages through communication service, electronic form etc.

It is also important to remember that differences of opinion or even conflict is natural in any relationship. If such differences are handled in a healthy and mutually respectful manner, it is not abuse and is not a cause for concern.